Thursday, June 16, 2011
Showing his true colors...
What do your kids mean to you? I personally would lay down my life for my girls. I would do whatever it took to have them safe and happy. I would never let them go. But that is me. Their father on the other hand offered to sign away his parental rights yesterday because I don't trust him with them. There is a reason I don't trust him. He has always complained or pitched a fit when I have asked him to keep the girls in the past because it was "my day off!" Stupid jerk. He never in the past showed my youngest daughter much attention. She was more of an inconvenience than her sister. Really? You can play favorites with your kids? He has lost his temper and blew up in front of them so many times that it pains me to think that he may blow up when I am not there and I can't defend them. He has told them before "Your mom is a heartless B****H." All because I used too much hot water taking a shower one morning. Or the day that he knew I was going to get in the shower with the girls so he runs in the other bathroom and takes a shower leaving us with cold water and two shivering little girls. How worthless can one person be. So when he gets them on his days I am scared to death how they will be taken care of. A part of me hopes and prays that he does sign away his rights. They will be better without him. If he is planning on leaving for good it is better he does it now rather than later. GRRR!!!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
My life these days.
So these days I am so happy with my life. I love my daughters! They are the most amazing little girls.
My oldest said while looking at the sunset last night "It looks like God lives up there." How awesome for my 6 yr old to be so in tune spiritually! She is such a special child. I truly believe that God has plans for her. I have been saying since she was about 3 that she has a calling on her life. I feel so honored that He chose me to be her mother.
My youngest is very special too, although I feel her calling may be in stand up comedy! She is hilarious! Sometimes I just sit back and watch her and laugh. I do feel tha I will have my hands unbelievably full when she is a teenager. Phew! It exhausts me thinking about it! But she is a ery sweet and adorable little 3 yr old now. Wouldn't change a thing about her spunky little tushy.
And then there is the other person in my life...my soon to be ex husband. He has no clue what it is he is missing out on. He is out telling lies about himself to make everyone like him. How sad to think that no one will like you unless you have something to impress them with. Be who you are. Life is too short to lose out on what you have been blessed with. But I guess that is his choice. My girls will one day be those kids who never had a relationship with their dad. Oh well. More for this Mommy!
My oldest said while looking at the sunset last night "It looks like God lives up there." How awesome for my 6 yr old to be so in tune spiritually! She is such a special child. I truly believe that God has plans for her. I have been saying since she was about 3 that she has a calling on her life. I feel so honored that He chose me to be her mother.
My youngest is very special too, although I feel her calling may be in stand up comedy! She is hilarious! Sometimes I just sit back and watch her and laugh. I do feel tha I will have my hands unbelievably full when she is a teenager. Phew! It exhausts me thinking about it! But she is a ery sweet and adorable little 3 yr old now. Wouldn't change a thing about her spunky little tushy.
And then there is the other person in my life...my soon to be ex husband. He has no clue what it is he is missing out on. He is out telling lies about himself to make everyone like him. How sad to think that no one will like you unless you have something to impress them with. Be who you are. Life is too short to lose out on what you have been blessed with. But I guess that is his choice. My girls will one day be those kids who never had a relationship with their dad. Oh well. More for this Mommy!
Monday, June 13, 2011
Getting excited...
Soon I will be back in my own house! I have new furniture and get to decide how I want to decorate things and where I want the furniture to go. I am looking forward to moving forward! Such a great feeling.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Feelings
It's weird the feelings you have going through a divorce. Even though I know I have to do this, I have so many unexpected emotions.
The main one is bittersweet. I am happy to be getting out of a stressfull situation. I no longer have to wait for my husband to blow up about things. To feel that anything going wrong is somehow my fault. My kids are better for this also. They seem...happier. That shouldn't make sense, but it is what it is.
But along with the happiness I am feeling, I am hurting so bad. It is hard to explain. Everyone seems to think that I am getting out of a bad situation and should feel free, which I do. But with that freedom comes a pain I can't really describe. I am losing my husband. I never expected to get a divorce. I used to have a hard time understanding why couples do divorce. Yes, he is hard to live with. He is self-centered. He is moody beyond belief. But he has been mine. That is my moody self-centered husband. No I don't want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to let go.
Jealousy has also been an issue. Why should I care who he is talking to when? It shouldn't matter to me if he dates someone or not. But I do care mainley because I want to know who is going to be in my daughters' lives. How will she treat them?
That brings on the worry. What will my girls hear about me. Will they believe the lies? Will they be loved when they are away from me? How can I afford everything on my own? Will he pay child support? I could keep myself up all night long with the what if's? But I choose not to. I give those to God.
But the latest feeling and emotion I have is hope. Hope for what lies in store for me and my children. What does God have in store for us? Who will he send our way? It is a little exciting knowing that there is still something out there for me. I don't have the slightest idea what or who it may be. God does.
So some of these feelings are easy to deal with, others not so much. But I will deal with them. One way or another.
The main one is bittersweet. I am happy to be getting out of a stressfull situation. I no longer have to wait for my husband to blow up about things. To feel that anything going wrong is somehow my fault. My kids are better for this also. They seem...happier. That shouldn't make sense, but it is what it is.
But along with the happiness I am feeling, I am hurting so bad. It is hard to explain. Everyone seems to think that I am getting out of a bad situation and should feel free, which I do. But with that freedom comes a pain I can't really describe. I am losing my husband. I never expected to get a divorce. I used to have a hard time understanding why couples do divorce. Yes, he is hard to live with. He is self-centered. He is moody beyond belief. But he has been mine. That is my moody self-centered husband. No I don't want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to let go.
Jealousy has also been an issue. Why should I care who he is talking to when? It shouldn't matter to me if he dates someone or not. But I do care mainley because I want to know who is going to be in my daughters' lives. How will she treat them?
That brings on the worry. What will my girls hear about me. Will they believe the lies? Will they be loved when they are away from me? How can I afford everything on my own? Will he pay child support? I could keep myself up all night long with the what if's? But I choose not to. I give those to God.
But the latest feeling and emotion I have is hope. Hope for what lies in store for me and my children. What does God have in store for us? Who will he send our way? It is a little exciting knowing that there is still something out there for me. I don't have the slightest idea what or who it may be. God does.
So some of these feelings are easy to deal with, others not so much. But I will deal with them. One way or another.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Busy getting stronger...
Tonight is the first time I have ever blogged. Let me start by giving you a few details about myself. I am a 25 year old mommy to 2 beautiful little girls. My oldest just turned 6 and is such a sweet, caring individual. My youngest turned 3 in January and is full of life and a sense of humor. I wouldn't take a thing in the world for my children, which is why I am doing what I am right now.
About a month ago I finally got the strength to leave my husband. We have been married for 6 & 1/2 long hard years. My husband has what you call Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He is very self absorbed and exhausting. Everything that went wrong in our lives was always my fault. If we didn't have enough money then I shouldn't have payed all of the bills. If we got behind on bills then I should have just payed them all when we had the money. Nothing was ever good enough. He would blow up in rages without care of who he hurt or what he said. My daughters have heard about every cuss word there is out there. I have often wondered if he even liked my youngest daughter. He never made any attempts to spend time with her.
Going up against him is like trying to break down a brick wall with your bare hands. If I ever tried talking things over with him he would stare straight ahead and block out whatever I was saying.
It has taken a long time to come to the point that I am now. I can no longer live this way. He has tore me down to the point of getting physically ill from it. I never knew how he was going to act on his days off. Was it going to be a good day or bad? All it would take is one small comment or thing to go wrong and the day would be ruined for anyone around him. I will not allow my daughters self esteem to be ruined anymore. They are the innocent ones in this mess. It breaks my heart to know that they will become a statistic now. Their parents got a divorce. How sad for them to be labeled. My hope is that when they are the label will say "Their mom did the right thing."
I am busy getting stronger! No matter how bad things were it still hurts. But I WILL get through this. And I WILL come out better in the end. I know that I am a beautiful woman who deserves real love. In time I will find that. Sometimes your blessing come through raindrops.
About a month ago I finally got the strength to leave my husband. We have been married for 6 & 1/2 long hard years. My husband has what you call Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He is very self absorbed and exhausting. Everything that went wrong in our lives was always my fault. If we didn't have enough money then I shouldn't have payed all of the bills. If we got behind on bills then I should have just payed them all when we had the money. Nothing was ever good enough. He would blow up in rages without care of who he hurt or what he said. My daughters have heard about every cuss word there is out there. I have often wondered if he even liked my youngest daughter. He never made any attempts to spend time with her.
Going up against him is like trying to break down a brick wall with your bare hands. If I ever tried talking things over with him he would stare straight ahead and block out whatever I was saying.
It has taken a long time to come to the point that I am now. I can no longer live this way. He has tore me down to the point of getting physically ill from it. I never knew how he was going to act on his days off. Was it going to be a good day or bad? All it would take is one small comment or thing to go wrong and the day would be ruined for anyone around him. I will not allow my daughters self esteem to be ruined anymore. They are the innocent ones in this mess. It breaks my heart to know that they will become a statistic now. Their parents got a divorce. How sad for them to be labeled. My hope is that when they are the label will say "Their mom did the right thing."
I am busy getting stronger! No matter how bad things were it still hurts. But I WILL get through this. And I WILL come out better in the end. I know that I am a beautiful woman who deserves real love. In time I will find that. Sometimes your blessing come through raindrops.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)