It's weird the feelings you have going through a divorce. Even though I know I have to do this, I have so many unexpected emotions.
The main one is bittersweet. I am happy to be getting out of a stressfull situation. I no longer have to wait for my husband to blow up about things. To feel that anything going wrong is somehow my fault. My kids are better for this also. They seem...happier. That shouldn't make sense, but it is what it is.
But along with the happiness I am feeling, I am hurting so bad. It is hard to explain. Everyone seems to think that I am getting out of a bad situation and should feel free, which I do. But with that freedom comes a pain I can't really describe. I am losing my husband. I never expected to get a divorce. I used to have a hard time understanding why couples do divorce. Yes, he is hard to live with. He is self-centered. He is moody beyond belief. But he has been mine. That is my moody self-centered husband. No I don't want to be married to him anymore. It is hard to let go.
Jealousy has also been an issue. Why should I care who he is talking to when? It shouldn't matter to me if he dates someone or not. But I do care mainley because I want to know who is going to be in my daughters' lives. How will she treat them?
That brings on the worry. What will my girls hear about me. Will they believe the lies? Will they be loved when they are away from me? How can I afford everything on my own? Will he pay child support? I could keep myself up all night long with the what if's? But I choose not to. I give those to God.
But the latest feeling and emotion I have is hope. Hope for what lies in store for me and my children. What does God have in store for us? Who will he send our way? It is a little exciting knowing that there is still something out there for me. I don't have the slightest idea what or who it may be. God does.
So some of these feelings are easy to deal with, others not so much. But I will deal with them. One way or another.
I admire you for getting yourself and your girls out of a very unhealthy situation. You deserve to be happy and put yourself and your daughters first for a change. A year from now you will look back and wonder why you didn't do this sooner!
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